Confirmation

I had a private, Catholic education from kindergarten to my senior year of high school (by my mom's insistence). I think the constant forcing of religion onto my life sort of explains my lack of faith when it comes to Catholicism. I was forced to take a religion class every year for 12 years. I appreciate that I was privileged to get the education I did, and I have nothing against (most) of my teachers, but the more I was forced to study the Catholic church, the more I realized it just wasn't for me. I came to this conclusion in the 8th grade which happened to be the same year that all of my peers and I were scheduled to be Confirmed, a flowery ceremony where young adults declare their faith in the beliefs of the Catholic church.

I knew I couldn't let myself go along with everyone else to be Confirmed because it would be a lie to my friends, my teachers, my family, and most importantly, myself. I was a baptized Catholic (again by my mom's doing) and had participated in all the customary rituals without question for a long time but I never really had a say in the matter until Confirmation. It was the first time I had any real input in my faith life.

The first person I went to was my English teacher. She had this sort of wise and understanding aura about her and she seemed like the best person to go to. I couldn't go to my mom because she was biased in the matter and I couldn't go to my dad because, even though I think he has similar religious opinions, he tends not to share them and probably would have brought my mom into it. I felt like I couldn't go to any of my religion teachers because, instead of being listened to, I would have been either A) reprimanded or B) gently pushed back into line and set on my way to get Confirmed regardless of my doubts. So that left Mrs. Saintsing. I am still grateful to this day for her guidance.

My mom is firm in her faith but the rest of my family is, to varying degrees, against the Catholic church. My mom wasn't happy when I told her I didn't want to get Confirmed but I think she understood where I was coming from. That didn't keep her from arguing the point however. With the help of my older siblings, I was able to convince my mom that maybe the Catholic church wasn't for me. I remember very clearly my sister telling me that she was proud of me for thinking for myself.

The next step was convincing my religion teacher that I wasn't going to be getting confirmed. I spent a lot of time writing the perfect email, mainly because I was too cowardly to confront her but also because it gave me the ability to pick what I thought would be the most convincing words to persuade my teacher. This is what I wrote:

Dear Mrs. Wilkins,

I regret that I couldn't have told you this face-to-face, but with you having parking lot duty all this week I could never get a hold of you after school to talk. Also, with the blessing of the candidates coming up this Sunday I needed to let you know before the end of the week that I don't want to or plan to get Confirmed this year.

If we had been talking face-to-face, this is probably when you would ask me "Why not?" and I would tell you that its because I don't believe that what the Catholic Church teaches is true. If I want to honor a God (which I'm not sure even exists at this point and time of my life) I shouldn't be told how to go about doing so. Perhaps that means I'm against organized religion. Also, I don't believe that Jesus was the "Son of God". I just can't bring myself to believe something that has no concrete foundation of fact or reason. There are a lot of things that require an almost blind faith-something I don't have.

If this is my "crisis of faith" as you put it in yesterday's religion class then so be it, but I can't and won't let myself be confirmed into a faith that I don't believe is true at this time of my life. If later on down the road I accept the teachings of the Catholic Faith then I can get confirmed then when I am certain that's what I want to do. Right now I can't be Confirmed into a faith I don't full-heartedly believe in for it would be a lie to my family, my friends, all those who are close to me, and most importantly, myself-and that is unacceptable.

Confirmation is the first real say in what I want to do with my religious life and only I can make the decision of what I do and don't believe. Don't think that this is some sort of snap decision because I've been thinking about this serious matter for the better part of a year and am absolutely certain this is the choice I want to make.

Even though it is my choice, I still felt that I should share my plans with my parents and I have already talked with both of them making clear my intentions and they approve-not that they like the idea of me not getting confirmed, but that its my choice to make.

I hope this doesn't make the rest of the year any harder for you or me. If you feel like we still need to talk about this then I am fine with us talking but if your goal to to convince me to be Confirmed this year I'm afraid my mind is made up and there's no changing it. This is not to say that I will never in my life be confirmed or believe differently than what I do currently, but it does mean that this year I will not become a full active member of a faith that I don't believe.

I hope you understand.

-Me, The Unbeliever